The Smart Retard Speaks Out About His Peculiar Name

Smart.
I am smart.
You are not smart. If we were both bodily functions I would be a bloody nose and you would be a not smart. This is your life. Learn to love it.
Let's not delay: I'm talking about my name. Smart Retard. You might wonder what it means. Don't even try. You can't figure it out. You are not smart. But I am. And I know that the first part means "Smart," which is saying that I am smart. Obviously. The second part is Retard. Don't even pretend you are offended. You probably think you are. You probably think when I say retard it is derogatory. Shut up. I can't believe you feel that way. You are definitely really not smart.
Quick test: you go the store with fifteen pennies. you buy something that costs eleven pennies. if you need two pennies for parking, how much smarts will you have left?
The answer is none. Of course it is.
My name is Smart Retard because I am a smart retard. Here's the deal: I am smart, but I also have to wear a helmet so I don't hurt my brain when I fall into things. Whatever. I can't differentiate rubber cement from edible food sometimes. So what. You think I am limited mentally? Try this on for size: Galilleo, laws of motion, rubix cube. That's not even a tenth of what I know.
Listen to me: I can say retard whenever I feel like. You know why? Don't worry, I already know you don't. And because why? Because you are something that rhymes with hot fart.
Here's the deal: I have ownership of the word. I am a retard. If you want to call yourself "not smart" you can do it all day. You can also call yourself stupid face. I won't be offended by it. Guess what? I'm lying. You offend me always.
Retard. It's our word. Retards have suffered for centuries to claim the word retarded. There was a time when retards were treated like the house dog. Or gorilla. They were put in cages. Some people still think this would be good. F them. They know nothing. Here's what they can't handle: technology, umbrellas in stormy weather, not eating two hours before going to bed. Smart.
Read my lips: I will say retard whenever I feel like it. If you say it, you are anti-retard. You have to call me developmentally delayed. Or special.
You know something? You owe me money for what your ancestors did to my retarded ancestors. Thanks, by the way. It was great for my grandparents to be persecuted.
Fill in the blank (hint: use the same word): I am ____. You are not ____.
It's cool for me to wear a helmet. There's nothing wrong with only being allowed to use spoons. I don't know why I talk to you sometimes.
Smart.
I am smart.
I am the Smart Retard.