Everything You Wanted To Know About Jail But Were Too Afraid To Ask

Howdy gang! Toodley-woodles!! Did you have a happy Easter? Oh boy did I have a crazy time. That's what you can expect, I suppose, when one half of your family is celebrating the resurrection of Jesus and the other half is celebrating the mouth watering combination of malted milk enveloped in chocolate and bound by a thin layer of sweet candy shell. Woozers did we have a lot of arguments! My mom was like, "this day is not about the Easter bunny. It's about Jesus resurrecting from the dead." And all that my dad would say to that was, "Well you know what I wish would resurrect? The tradition of you buying marshmallow peeps. You know I love those." My parents can be so zany sometimes. I just wish they hadn't forced us to watch them yell at each other when we were children.
But enough of that. That's not what we're here to talk about. Today we're here to talk about jail. Now, you all know how I spent a little time in the clinky-dink for being bad. If you don't, well, I'm not going to get into the details, but it was a difficult time in my life. But now I'm a changed man. Yep, it's the straight and narrow for Ol' Phil. Nowadays, I keep the bad thoughts pushed way down deep, where they don't bother anyone, and can have all the time they need to well up inside me into some powerful ball of hate that will, on many occasions, threaten to overpower my decision making and lead to an uncontrolled outburst of rage, but which I'm sure I'll be able to keep suppressed.
But the real reason I'm talking about jail is to answer all of the questions that I should have been asked over the years, the questions that all of you have wanted to be answered, but were too afraid to ask. These are the things that everyone wonders when they think about jail. So without any more dilly dally, let's get right into it.

1. Is jail a dangerous place?
Answer: All I can say is that it sure can be. I think I got pretty lucky, since I made it a point to establish my power the minute I got there by stabbing whom I believed to be the toughest inmate, but believe me, not everyone has that same experience. You know who wasn't so lucky? The guy that I stabbed.
2. Are people raped in jail?
Answer: Oh shmoleys, I get this question so many times. Well let me see if I can explain my answer with a little analogy. To understand if people are raped in jail, and if so, why this happens, imagine you've been working the same job for ten years, with the same guys, and in the same office. And now imagine someone new showing up, someone young and cocky, someone pale skinned, clean shaven, someone innocent and emotionally stable, who doesn't know to constantly watch over his shoulder in the shower room. And this guy thinks that he's just one of the boys, that he deserves exactly what you got. So you do exactly what anyone else would do in that situation- you get five of your coworkers together to corner the new guy in the janitor's closet and stick pointy things that are attached to you in his butt.
3. Were you raped in jail?
Answer: Why do you people always ask that? Does it really matter? Is it important to know if a man was forced against his will by another man to lie face down on the bunk and wait patiently while his anus is intruded for an undetermined length of time? To know that that man was beaten each time he started crying? Hmm? Do we really care that much to know this? Well if not, then stop asking me, assholes.
4. What was the food like in jail?
Answer: That all depends. If you enjoy eating food that is dry and soggy at the same time, food that uses salt when it should be sugar, food that should have been thrown away a week before, that is made out of horse penis and elf scrotum, and that has already been eaten once, then you would probably really enjoy jail food.
5. What did you do in jail?
Answer: I think I've already given a few examples of what we did, such as eating, raping, group beatings, but how about the lazy afternoons or those Christmas' after gifts have been exchanged and everyone's just laying around? Animal noises.
6. Is it true that cigarettes are the primary currency in jail?
Answer: Yes.
7. Did you have conjugal visits when you were there?
Answer: Well Ol' Phil never got married, so no conjugal visits. But my grandma came to visit me once, and I showed her the scar I got from the knife fight I won defending my right to stockpile cup o' noodles.
8. Was the warden nice?
Answer: It was Ronald McDonald, actually. And no, he was not nice. Very manipulative.
9. Is most of your knowledge about jail taken from The Shawshank Redemption?
Answer:

That's about all I can say of Jail, gang. Hope this was informative. And if you've had any of your own experiences you'd like to share about jail, just let Ol' Phil know.