S.M.A.R.T.

Smart. I am smart. Remind yourself: "I am not smart, the Smart Retard is." You AREN"T smart. If you were smart, I would not believe it. I would still be smarter than you. I would be so much smarter that it would make you look dumb, no matter how smart you are compared to other people who aren't smart.
I've cleared your mind of any belief that you are smart. Now I can continue.
I was in Denver for the World Series this weekend. I did not go to the game. People who went were stupid. I am smart. Therefore, I could not have gone. I only went outside of the stadium and watched the game at a restaurant. The Rockies did not win. I do not care anyways. They are idiots and they are terrible. I barely watched the game. I only watched when a home run was hit, and there were very few home runs hit.
I took almost every mint from the restaurant mint bowl as I left. I don't care. I ate some already. I threw many in the air for no reason. It was because I could. Don't question me. You can't even start.
I fought verbally with a man. Some call this slamming. I don't. That's an idiotic name. I call it destroying, because I destroyed him. He probably killed himself after the verbal beat down I gave him. I am smart. He is not.
My friend ran a red light. I was not worried. We could have died. It is okay.
We considered eating and then not paying for our meal. Some call this dining and dashing. I don't. I call it doing what I feel like. We paid for our meal. It cost 150 dollars. It was not smart.
You have no idea how smart I am. It's unbelievable. Do not try to best me. You will lose. You will cry. I will rejoice.
Smart. I am smart.

Swear Words Will Never Hurt Me

Howdy ho gang! Phil Honus is humming-coming atcha!
Hahaha. Did I scare you? You're probably saying to yourself: "that was a surprising introduction." You bet it was. You probably don't even know what "humming-coming atcha" means. (Here's a secret: I don't either! :) I'm so nutty!)
Boy it's been tough to be away. I'm so glad to be back in blogger-land with all of you blogger-philes. It just gives me goose bumps.(What a weird phrase, by the way, "goose bumps." But it is true. I killed a goose with my cousins one time and felt its skin, and as sure as soup on Sundays, it felt just like those tiny bumps you get on your arms. So crazy. I like boys. Woops! Cat's out of the bag.)
So friends, I got something to talk about, and it's kind of offensive. I want to talk about swear words :O
"What a jerk!" you're probably thinking. "Doesn't he know that kids read these things?" Oh believe me, I do. And that's why we need to talk about these things, because we've got to teach the children. They're our future.
And we've also got to teach some of you older folks, too. "Who me?" you're saying to yourself. Yes you, old fart. EVERYONE needs to think a little more about swear words.
What else is there to say about swear words, really? We all know they're so fun to say, especially at church (hahaha "Is he joking?" I guess you'll never know :)
And we all love to write them on fresh concrete before it dries. When I was a little boy, Nate Mooney and I wrote the F-bomb on the Elwood's concrete footings for their new house. They were so mad. We were such little rascals.
Most people would probably agree that swearing is bad. But how bad is it really?
You're saying to yourself, "stop right there, Mr. Phil Honus. Everyone knows swearing comes from the devil. You can't possibly defend it." But you know what, Mr. Religious guy? I think I can.
You see, I know this guy who used to swear all of the time. I mean, he had serious potty mouth issues. He would say the S-word and the F-word and the D-word and the B-word, and sometimes he would combine them together and say really bad stuff, like "F-ing S, you B. You're such a D." It was really dirty.
A lot of people didn't like it when this guy said these words, especially when he said "S your D you F-ing B." Boy did they get mad when he said that! They were like a hot, piping steam engine, just ready to explode! They started to say that this guy didn't have a very big vocabulary. Some people started to call him dumb. It really hurt his feelings, mainly because he did have a big vocabulary, and he definitely didn't think he was dumb :(
So what did he do? He stopped swearing. He realized that it was much easier to stop doing something he really liked to do, especially if it made it easier for him to get along with people. Well after he did that, people started to call him a big girl! Honest Injun, they said he wore girl's underwear, and that the only reason he stopped swearing was because he had the V-word now (but they didn't say the V-word. they said the actual word! can you believe that?! :O )
It didn't make any sense to him. Not for a while, at least. One day, though, he finally got it: he realized that too much swearing is offensive, especially when people who don't like swear words are around; and at the same time, he realized that if a person likes to swear, and if they don't see a problem with it, they should do it, with respect to others, of course. Because if they don't, people will think they have the V-word, even if they really have the P-word.
Now I've got a little secret for everybody: the guy who people called dumb, that's me. What a shock, huh? Didn't see that coming at all, did you? Not to toot my own horn, but I am very good at surprise endings. I always get people. It's kind of funny(just like my love for boys. Uh-oh! TMI!)
I still swear these days sometimes, but only when it's appropriate, like during a funeral (hahaha jokes! I love kidding you guys). That's just who I am, I guess, a little bit angel and a little bit devil (You're probably thinking, "this guy's so scary. He's a devil! I don't want to be around him. He might try to take me to hell." Oh, you fraidy cats! I would never do that. I'm not really part devil. that's just a saying. You silly pants! Whoops-a-daisy! Did I just say that?)
I would love to hear your guys' thoughts about swear words. Please let me know what you think.
Toodles.

Uncle Bo

Was up in da heezy my peeps? Y'all getting krunk? Best not be. It's only lunch time fools, gotsta wait til da nite time. Wutang!
Yo, check it- I'm an uncle. Reprusent! Shizzle is crazy, ya know. I don't even feel dat old, but damn, too late to worry about dat, I gots a responsubilitee now, you know? I gotsa be der for dat liddle boy.
Yo, dis shizzle is close to BoShnickel's heart. I'm frum a broken home, yo. I hads an uncle dat was never there for me when I was just a liddle thug. Yo, I pretty much blame dat fool for making me da way I am. I never had dat speshul uncle teaching, you know, dat uncles give. Yo, both of my parentz did they best ta teech me da wayz of being a man, but it just wuzn't enough. My pops always put food on da table, and chrismus presentz unda da tree and what not, and gave me da cars dat I needed, and he nevuh laid a hand on my moms. Yo, akshulee, I thinks he wuz also helpin out at a soup kitchun and whatevs, and even dis one time he fownd a hurt squirrel and brought it home and nursed it back to helth till it could swing in da trees again.
But yo! dat hole time, where waz my dead beat uncle? Problee back home wherevs he lived, helping his own kidz do dey skool werk. Punk ass busta! I needed help wit my skool werk, foo! From you! Not from my parentz, who weren't cool. Yo, dey waz just supa nice and whateva and gave me lots of stuff. Dat's good and whatevs, but I needed some cool ass uncle who had a mustang who would take me to go get milshakez and den cruze around scoping out duh honeyz. But no, you sed it waz too far away to drive to my house every night. It wuz only four hours, foo! Ya getz twenty four of dem each day, b! Whatz da matter, den?
Whatevs, all I know iz I gots to be der for my nef few. I can't be out gettin buzy wit honeyz all da time and leavin shorty at home alone wit his parents. Das why I'm gonna be over der all of thu time, jus being ther, even if no one is home. Yo, I'll make shur dat da tv werks for shorty when he gets home and wantz ta watch Blooz Clooz or whatevs, and make shur tha fridge has some good ass food in it, whitch meenz I'll have ta test it out, yo. But I'm okay doing dat. No probs, my peeples.
Yo, being an uncle is off da hook, son! I think one day I might even let the jimmy hat slip when I'm gettin buzy wit sum honey and becum a fathu myself. Not fo a while, tho. Fo now, I just hopes my sistuh and her husbund keep gettin buzy and makin mo kidz that BoShnickels can be an uncle to. Dats all. I'm just a simple man, yo, but I am a rider. Don't forgets that.

Da Return of Da Greatest

I'm back y'alls, in da heezy.
Reprusent.

Gone fo da week

Was up in da hizzle? BoShnickels here. How y'all been? Life good in da hood? Yo, I cants complain. I waz feelin a little blue last week, but whatevs. I don't care bout dat. Got sum uh-tention frum da honeyz, hollad at one of my boyz, bumped elbows wit my crew, yo, just anuther day on the streetz. Yo, check it, I'm leaving fo a while homies. BoShickels gotsta stretch his legs down on da Southside, gets in touch wit natechu, and what not. Don't miss me, y'alls. I coming back aftuh a week. It aint no thang. And if I don't make it back, pour out a little liquor for me next time ya gets yo drank on. No tears though, gurl. I'll c u when you get ther. RIP Biggie Smalls. Smokes some fo ya boy. and RIP great grandpuh Ted. Great grandmuh's not far behind ya. She's old as hell and she stinks, too. Much luv, BoShnickels signing off

Lingo Lessons- Phil Honus

Howdy gang. How's the battle? That's just an expression. It implies that life is a struggle and that there are many things that we have to fight for. Of course I'm not assuming that you all are fighting a battle literally. :) Hahaha. You guys crack me up.
Did everyone notice what BoShnickels said in his last post? It was "DOA." That means "Dead On Arrival." Gotta keep you guys up to date on the lingo.
Here's a quick run down on a few expressions you might hear throughout your day:
1) "Get out of here!"-
obviously this doesn't mean to leave from wherever you are. people will tell you this when you say something that sounds unbelievable. It's sort of like someone saying, "are you serious?" or "no way." I hope this gets to you before someone tells you to "get out of here" and you actually get out of there. Oh boy, that would be embarassing. What if you were really supposed to be there?!
2) "you're killing me!"-
this is a toughy. when you hear "you're killing me," you really have to make sure that what you are doing to someone is not actually killing them. for the most part, though, unless you're a serial killer (let's hope not :) ) or Dick Cheney (that's right, I went there), you'll use this expression in the figurative sense. people will often tell you this when they're really frustrated with you. For instance, if someone is explaining something to you and you just can't get it, they'll probably say, "you're killing me, smalls." Smalls is the name of a kid in the movie Sandlot. People say it this way all of the time. You'll never hear "you're killing me, bigs," though. At least I sure hope not! There might be some real confusion if you do!
Like I said in the beginning, though: always do a quick check to make sure someone is not in danger of dying when they use this expression. Look under you car's tires, make sure your guns are on safety, check the dryer to make sure your kids aren't in there. Always better to be safe than sorry.
3) "good one!"-
sounds like something you want to hear, right? think again. Although there are probably times when people say "good one" and really mean that you did something good, usually this expression is used to imply that what you just did was not good, that it was probably bad. For instance, when someone drops a stack of papers they are holding, and another person yells "good job," they are really saying, "good job at being bad," which is sort of paradoxical when you think about it. You often hear this expression after car crashes and hunting accidents.
4) "she's phat!"-
Ohhhh boy, you've got to be really careful when you say this, since it's the subtle spelling change that separates you from making an awesome compliment to seriously embarassning yourself. We're talking high heels to the man bag, boys. Actually, most folks point out that they're using the "ph" spelling when saying it. For instance: "Yo, she's phat- "ph" fat, I mean." Even when you point out the "ph," be very careful. In that short span of time between saying "she's phat" to "'ph' fat, I mean" her eyes will become a fiery red, her hair will fall off, and her face will start to look like a skeleton's. You'll probably be okay. Just keep a shield and a flaming sword at hand in case things get a little hairy.
You just have to make sure that you say it the way a street person would. Move your hands a lot, scowl, and if you have a gun, shoot someone nearby.

You're going to be so happy that I told you guys about these. This is just the tip of the iceberg, too. I know so many more expressions. Just for fun's sake, here's one more that you can mull over: "not!"
How do you think THIS expression is used, gang?

Calling All Koellings: Roll Call

Sup, Koellings? Anyone tell you I was back? I haven't heard nuthin from y'alls. Betcha thought I was DOA. Non-cents. I don't die, Koellings. I only gain strength in my dufeets.
Yo, I knows you check my blog. Why the silence, then? Skayred?
How ya doing Deb? How bout you, Rob? Still teaching? Howz Bradley? Howz yo kids? They makin good grades in skool? Yo, make shur they does they studiez. Kidz be runnin crazy these dayz, gotsta watch they P's and Quizzles.
Yo, you needs to sound back, Koellings! Whats the score?
Wutang, Koellings. Think about it.
Respond, PLEEZ! Holla atcha boy!
I'll be waiting.
Fo shizzle.